“Touch”down

If you watch a Friday night football game or a Tuesday night basketball game, you are sure to see something there that you won’t generally see in most other settings. Beyond just the ball going through the hoop and the crowd erupting in cheers, there is something subtle yet profound happening. Watch the sidelines and you’ll see it. Take note of the players on the court and how they interact with each other. Observe a healthy sports team, and you will see unbridled affection.

Affection, as noted in a previous article, can be shown in lots of different ways. If you watch a sports team you will see a great display of them. Time spent together on and off the field. Acts of service in their efforts for one another. Words of affirmation and encouragement to exhort each other. (Not a whole lot of gift giving going on in most instances. More to come on that in a future post.) The form of affection that will be the most prominent, however, will be that of touch.

Touch can be tricky

Receiving love primarily through physical touch can sometimes be…complicated. Growing up in the rampant homophobia of the 90’s here in the United States did not allow for much affection between guys in general, but especially not physical touch. Sports, as it turned out, were a really healthy avenue to develop balanced friendships with other guys my age. The sports world temporarily removed most of the barriers to bro pats, butt slaps, hugs, and team huddles. In college, friendships flourished at the rec center, in intramural sports, and at college sporting events. Post-college, however, physical touch for guys tends to look quite different. The general expectation being that a spouse should fill that void.

For the ladies, the issue doesn’t seem to actually get any less complicated. Many women who are moms of young kids are perpetually over-stimulated, leaving the previously fulfilling Love Language to sit idle. And women’s social networks are notoriously hard to crack through, leaving many women feeling isolated from authentic community in which they can receive physical affection. You also have to factor in the sobering statistics on physical and sexual abuse that so many women (and men) have endured, causing what was meant to be considered affectionate to now be considered confusing and possibly triggering.

Many of us have been hurt by having physical affection withheld. Others of us have been hurt by having their boundaries violated. We as humans are all a mess. And then we come together and try to care for each other, and sometimes it just gets messier. But we can’t exactly throw out physical touch altogether, can we?

Touch communicates

Physical affection can be complex. At the end of the day, it is a need for all of us to varying degrees. Your body has been created to interface with others. From birth, a newborn child is dependent on being held and developing emotional bonds through touch. Skin to skin contact for a baby can actually help them regulate their heartrate, breathing patterns, body temperature, and the ability to feed. The sense of touch is the first to develop, and clearly it plays a major role in a child’s development. But what about yours

There is a scientific term for those who don’t receive adequate amounts of skin to skin contact, which can often be seen in nursing homes, orphanages, and even in our own experiences; it is called touch starvation¹. Skin contact releases Oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone that allows emotional connection to develop.² Serotonin, the natural antidepressant, and Dopamine, the pleasure and motivation hormone, are also cued up when healthy touch is received. And if you are lacking in healthy touch, your body will actually have increased Cortisol levels³. This stress-induced hormone can limit your ability to have restful sleep, affect your metabolism, and decrease your ability to fight off infection.

Aside from the psychological and physiological side of things, it is just as crucial that we experience belonging in our social settings. Perhaps the most powerful thing that touch can do is that it communicates, “you are touchable.” When we experience physical affection, we also experience social belonging and validation. You are wanted and accepted and desirable. Come close.

Perhaps the most powerful thing that touch can do is that it communicates, “you are touchable.”

How to grow

We have started to broach the subject of physical affection in a culture that has been labeled by many social scientists as “touch averse”⁴. I am struck by how inadequate a few simple paragraphs may be in the vast discussion of loving others well. No matter how small, though, the hope is that each of us choose to lean more deeply into loving our people well. Here are some bold strategies both for those who have Touch as a primary Love Language and those who don’t prefer physical affection.

Cuddles for days…

Keep leading in initiating physical touch to show affection to your people. The world needs you!
Lead gently. Ask permission before initiating touch. Remember that lots of people carry baggage and trauma; strive to make people feel safe with you.
Communicate your needs to your loved ones. It is OK to say that your Touch Love Language is low, and physical intimacy (not purely sex) would help you feel connected and cared for.
Avoid guilting others into physical intimacy. i.e. “Grandma will be so sad if you don’t give me a hug” or “I work all day and just want a few minutes of your attention”.
Spend time reflecting on how your loved ones are communicating their affections for you in their own ways; time spent together, serving you, words of affirmation, giving gifts.

No touchy!

Small gestures can communicate significantly to those who receive affection through touch. Try placing your hand on a friends shoulder while you talk to them, or greeting with a pat on the back.
Intentionally sit closer to your loved ones than what comes naturally. Scooching just a little closer can make people feel like you feel safe with them and value their presence.
Consider the (potentially) cliché coupon book, allowing loved ones to request touch such as a foot rub, massage, or extended hug.
Lead in vulnerability and ask those in your circle how you can love them better. And then do your best to implement what they communicate with you. It may take a significant amount of intentionality and reminders on your phone, but you can do it.